Understanding Attunement in Early Development

A mother who lacks the skills to attune to her baby may only notice the baby’s physical needs, such as hunger, and respond by feeding the child simply to stop the crying. She might not be aware that the baby also has emotional needs in that moment, like feeling comforted, secure, and understood.

In contrast, an attuned mother recognizes that her baby’s needs extend beyond the physical. If the baby cries out of hunger, she not only feeds the child but also uses soothing tones, gentle touch, and calming reassurance, conveying that the baby’s emotional and psychological needs are important and deserving of care. This nurturing response helps the child feel safe and secure, supporting healthy psychological identity development and emotional regulation. It teaches the baby that their emotional expressions are valued, laying the groundwork for the child’s overall emotional resilience, interpersonal skills, capacity for emotional fulfillment, and a healthy psychology in the future. This foundation enables the child to form healthy relationships, navigate social environments effectively, and manage stress and emotional challenges throughout life.

The Consequences of Unattended Emotional Needs

A mother who only feeds a crying baby to stop the crying—without offering a soothing touch or emotional reassurance—teaches the child, at a subconscious level, that their needs are met purely on a physical level, but their emotional experience is overlooked or ignored. The baby, while receiving food, doesn’t experience the emotional comfort that comes from feeling safe and cared for. Over time, the child begins to internalize that their emotional expressions are secondary, useless or unimportant, creating neural connections that equate meeting needs with only survival, not emotional fulfillment.

This dynamic profoundly influences the child’s development, leading them to believe that their emotional needs are neither valid nor worth expressing. The absence of attunement teaches the child that their emotions, including feelings of hunger or distress, are not worthy of acknowledgment or soothing. As the child matures into adulthood, they will likely grapple with feelings of unworthiness and adopt negative self-identities, struggling with emotional regulation and having difficulty recognizing or articulating their own feelings and needs.

In relationships and other areas of life, they often prioritize practical, sensory, or survival needs over their emotional needs. This tendency creates a disconnect between their internal emotional experiences and their external behaviors, reinforcing the belief that expressing their emotional needs will not yield meaningful support or understanding. As a result, they may become increasingly isolated and unable to engage in healthy emotional expression or seek out the nurturing relationships they need.

This issue is widespread in today’s society, where emotional immaturity and unavailability are common. Most people are disconnected from both their own and others’ psychological and emotional needs, failing to recognize their importance because these needs aren’t tied to the five senses. However, humans are subconsciously driven to meet these needs—such as feeling understood, connected, valued, and seen—often through harmful and destructive behaviors.

Recognizing the Signs of Emotional Disconnection

When psychological and emotional needs go unrecognized by friends, family, or significant others, individuals often seek fulfillment through harmful behaviors. This can manifest as manipulation, controlling tendencies, codependency, or excessive people-pleasing—all in a bid for validation and connection. Many people find themselves tolerating toxic or unhealthy relationships because they are driven by a deep-seated desire to feel loved and valued, even in environments that lack emotional attunement. This behavior often feels familiar, leading their subconscious to recreate past patterns in an attempt to resolve unresolved issues.

Alternatively, some individuals may respond to unmet needs by lashing out in anger, withdrawing into isolation, or engaging in addictive behaviors. These coping mechanisms not only harm themselves but also negatively affect their relationships. Such destructive patterns arise largely because people often lack the skills to address their emotional drivers in healthy ways. As a result, they become anxious and disconnected, remaining unaware of the significant impact their unmet emotional needs have on their well-being and relationships.

Societal Implications of Emotional Immaturity

The desperation for empathy, validation, and support is everywhere, but society rarely teaches the skills needed to offer this kind of nurturing. As a result, people are often left emotionally starved, engaging in behaviors that perpetuate their disconnection from others and themselves.

This lack of attunement disrupts the child’s ability to develop a secure emotional foundation, leading to confusion, emotional isolation, and chronic insecurity. Without early co-regulation from a caregiver, the child is likely to struggle with self-regulation later in life, relying on external validation to feel emotionally stable. When external reassurance is absent, they may experience emotional dysregulation, feelings of inadequacy, and deep exhaustion, as they lack the internal capacity to effectively manage their emotions and self-soothe.

The Role of Dyadic Regulation

Dyadic regulation is grounded in the understanding that the emotional exchange between mother and child lays the foundation for a secure, mentally sound, and emotionally fulfilled adult. Through this relational bond, the child learns to regulate emotions and develop a healthy identity by internalizing the caregiver’s responses. This process is vital because it demonstrates that emotional regulation is inherently relational from the start.

Self-regulation can help retrain the nervous system to some extent. Through practices like mindfulness, breathwork, and cognitive-behavioral techniques, self-regulation helps shift the body from a state of chronic stress or hypervigilance (often associated with a dysregulated nervous system) to a calmer, more balanced state. Over time, these practices can condition the nervous system to respond less reactively to stressors.

Moving Beyond Self-Regulation

However, self-regulation alone cannot fully address deeper issues, especially if they are rooted in early relational trauma. The nervous system is shaped by interpersonal experiences, so relational healing—through healthy, attuned interactions with others—can also play a crucial role in retraining the nervous system. This is why therapeutic relationships and safe, co-regulatory experiences are often essential for deeper healing and nervous system recalibration which leads to sustainable long-term fulfillment.

In therapy, dyadic regulation is designed to mimic the relationship a child should have had with their mother. The therapist acts as the attuned caregiver, staying connected, empathetic, and open, helping the client process painful emotions in a safe, nurturing environment. This allows for profound emotional regulation that self-soothing can’t achieve alone because it’s done through being synchronized with another. It rebuilds the nervous system’s ability to form secure, healthy relationships, well-adjusted identity, and stable emotional patterns, restoring what was missing from early development.

If you are interested in experiencing the benefits of dyadic regulation, which I refer to as “synchronized attunement therapy,” please feel free to contact me.